Where do I even begin to explain that experience? I’ve had a child in the past and never had that happen to me, of course I didn’t plan on my son almost dying in my arms either.
Christopher
I was taken by ambulance to a hospital more equipped to handle the premature birth. On August 20, 2018 a 5 pound 14 ounce little boy was born. He spent 2 weeks in the NICU. He didn’t have to be on oxygen and spent little time under the warmer. I was not medicated for my Bipolar at the time and I had been 8 months sober. We traveled and hour and a half each way every day due to my husband working a night job. He would sleep during the day in the motel while I’d visit the baby. Then, during the evening, he would make his visits.
Time for Home
When we finally got to bring Christopher home we were so elated to finally show him off to family. A couple nights after, around 12a.m. the baby was crying excessively and I thought a car ride might calm him down. I was so wrong! He began to aspirate in the car seat and white foam started coming out from his mouth and nostrils. I freaked and immediately took him out. I don’t know why I didn’t call the ambulance first. I called my husband and screamed, “Christopher stopped breathing!”
Short Version
My husband arrived before the ambulance. At that point, I had a alive breathing baby in my arms. See, in my panic I grabbed the nose suction device they send you home with from the hospital. I had no clue what I was doing but sectioned his nose and mouth. I was shaken up. From that point, I started having dissociation from my infant. I was accusing my in- laws of trying to take him over, I held no bond with him inside myself. I still would partake in his care but was left empty inside.
Postpartum is real and effects the relationship between mother and child. Watch for signs of dissociation. Please be gentle to the mothers they know not what their feeling. Seek help right away.
Girl Interrupted 