“Lost” – Liv’s corner of thoughts

Feelings, thoughts, ideas scattered all around I feel like I want to do one thing and then I change my mind What is it that I’m doing? Is this how life is supposed to be? I have so many questions but no one to answer me Feels like there’s always something I’m looking for when […]

“Lost” – Liv’s corner of thoughts

Post-partum Depression

Where do I even begin to explain that experience? I’ve had a child in the past and never had that happen to me, of course I didn’t plan on my son almost dying in my arms either.

Christopher

I was taken by ambulance to a hospital more equipped to handle the premature birth. On August 20, 2018 a 5 pound 14 ounce little boy was born. He spent 2 weeks in the NICU. He didn’t have to be on oxygen and spent little time under the warmer. I was not medicated for my Bipolar at the time and I had been 8 months sober. We traveled and hour and a half each way every day due to my husband working a night job. He would sleep during the day in the motel while I’d visit the baby. Then, during the evening, he would make his visits.

Time for Home

When we finally got to bring Christopher home we were so elated to finally show him off to family. A couple nights after, around 12a.m. the baby was crying excessively and I thought a car ride might calm him down. I was so wrong! He began to aspirate in the car seat and white foam started coming out from his mouth and nostrils. I freaked and immediately took him out. I don’t know why I didn’t call the ambulance first. I called my husband and screamed, “Christopher stopped breathing!”

Short Version

My husband arrived before the ambulance. At that point, I had a alive breathing baby in my arms. See, in my panic I grabbed the nose suction device they send you home with from the hospital. I had no clue what I was doing but sectioned his nose and mouth. I was shaken up. From that point, I started having dissociation from my infant. I was accusing my in- laws of trying to take him over, I held no bond with him inside myself. I still would partake in his care but was left empty inside.

Postpartum is real and effects the relationship between mother and child. Watch for signs of dissociation. Please be gentle to the mothers they know not what their feeling. Seek help right away.

Why Alcohol?

Dr. Daniel Hall-Flavin, board certified in general psychiatry and addiction psychiatry, is a St. Louis native. He states, “Bipolar disorder and alcohol use disorder, sometimes called alcoholism, often occur together. Although the association between bipolar disorder and alcohol use disorder isn’t clearly understood, these factors likely play a role:

• Depression and anxiety. Some people drink to ease depression, anxiety and other symptoms of bipolar disorder. Drinking may seem to help, but in the long run it makes symptoms worse. This can lead to more drinking — a vicious cycle that’s difficult to overcome.

• Mania. This upswing from depression is usually characterized by an intensely elated (euphoric) mood and hyperactivity. It commonly causes bad judgment and lowered inhibitions, which can lead to increased alcohol use or drug abuse.”

Stephen M. Strakowski, MD; Melissa P. DelBello, MD; David E. Fleck, PhD; et al Arch Gen Psychiatry. 2005;62(8):851-858. doi:10.1001/archpsyc.62.8.851

• The course of bipolar disorder is frequently complicated by alcohol abuse. In the Epidemiological Catchment Area Study, 46% of bipolar type I patients had lifetime histories of alcohol-use disorders.

Personnel Experience

What landed me in rehab in 2014, 2017 and 2019? It’s not as cut and dry as one might expect. While employed, irregardless of establishment, retail, childcare, call center, warehouse, or fast food certain stress-related situations would trigger a manic episode or depressed episode. These symptoms included, risky decisions( known to the alcoholic as the “fuck its”), lack of sleep(typically 3 to 4 hours), racing thoughts ranging from significant to ridiculous in constant swing (night and day), agitation, overly emotional association (significant feelings of empathy) to customers or co-workers, and constant clamor which was debilitating. In an attempt to shut out everything, alcohol was the sedation my mind turned to. My husband reports my bipolar mind was worse during these drunkin spells. They may have been but I still felt NOTHING.

In a depressed episode I was convinced it gave me energy and less social anxiety (I would miss several days of work while in in this state). Though alcohol is a depressant, my mind triggered the opposite.

In 2019, after a year un-medicated due to a pregnancy and post-partum depression, I sky rocketed to dellerum and the bottle. I was mandated by the Mental Health Board to Omaha for rehab.

I’m currently unemployed and almost a year sober. I attend Celebrate Recovery, Bible Study and take medication. Trust me when I say working provides more income, more social interaction but ultimately my sobriety and mental health take center stage.

Omaha A.A.
Sober Living House-Omaha

Poor Hygiene in Bipolar Patients

Poor hygiene can be a sign of self-neglect, which is the inability or unwillingness to attend to one’s personal needs. Poor hygiene often accompanies certain mental or emotional disorders, including severe depression and psychotic disorders.

I’ve spoken with 16 bipolar people, which shall remain nameless, that have this dilemma. It’s in the depressed state this task becomes a struggle; however, sedative medication also plays a role.

“I’ve worked with clients who describe their depression as ‘a constant gray cloud,’ ‘a feeling of being stuck under a load of bricks,’ and ‘a heavy weight that makes it nearly impossible to even get out of bed,” Carla Manly, PhD, says.

“They report not having enough energy to do simple self-care tasks, such as brushing their teeth or washing their hair,” says Melissa A. Jones, PhD, HSPP, a clinical psychologist based in Indiana. “Many of them do not take care of their personal hygiene needs unless they are reminded by a family member to do so.”

#1 Make yourself a personal hygiene promise

#2 When bathing feels overwhelming, start small

#3 Try aromatherapy

#4 Ask loved ones for help

#5 Don’t forget your nails

We have a tough illness. Daily hygiene is difficult when getting out of bed and feels impossible, but I am going to encourage you to make this the first step in getting better. One hygiene change can influence your entire day. 

Before the Sun comes Up

It’s 6am and I’m already feeling defeated. My night meds for Bipolar knocked me out. Then at 130am I was startled by a whimper from my chihuahua laying with my husband and I. I was completely awake at that point. I laid there thinking I should just get up.

Typically, around 4am (my only alone time) I journal and read a couple devotionals to start my day on a positive note. I failed in this endeavor and I am feeling guilty. Time like this is an important piece of my mental health. It starts me off on good footing for the day. It provides reference in my mind when my thoughts start to dictate my emotions.

I wait for my two year old to wrestle himself awake. He usually starts his morning with a cry for someone to retrieve him from his crib. Usually he is awake by 6am and ready to play and start his day. There isn’t a mother-in-law visit today so all hands on deck for me to provide a nurturing, positive atmosphere for him to thrive in. Uggh, I’m already feeling the pressure.