Feeling Accomplished

Truly today has been a struggle just to complete the simplest of task. I took one thing at a time and trudged myself to get started. I got dishes away, 2 loads of laundry done and put away, bathroom clean (mind you not spotless) vacuumed living room, upstairs bedrooms and still managed to take a little time to pursue my new endeavor watercolor painting. The hard part of being a recovering alcoholic is down time could mean a bad time but with Bipolar down time can be calming. Painting and drawing fit both my dilemmas. I journal but sometimes that gets to mundane. I read but sometimes that puts me to sleep(to calming some days). It’s difficult because some of these things just become a checklist or repetitive and that triggers boredom. Anyway, motivation 101 “don’t stop trying to push yourself.”

Motivation “Let’s Go!”

Almost a year, I will have sustained from alcohol. Yes, on top of the mess I already have going on in my head, I drank to cope. I didn’t click with A.A. membership and just kept depending on the bottle. Finally, I reluctantly went to Celebrate Recovery. I did not like it at first. One day they played a Christian song that reached the depths of my soul, “Chainbreaker.” Ever since then I’ve only listened to Christian music in fear other music might trigger me. Today I took the leap into alternate music. Boy, it didn’t feel my soul but got me moving on my daily task. I know it can’t be my norm but today it was much needed to find that boost of energy. Also in hand, some coffee. Oh, and I drank a V8 Energy. The catch is to not drink to much of that energy crap or it could trigger a manic episode.

Understanding What Bipolar Disorder Feels Like

Bipolar disorder is a confusing condition, especially for someone viewing it from the outside. If you have a friend or relative living with bipolar disorder, this person may be reluctant to share how they feel. Because this can make it hard to know how the illness affects them, reading first-hand accounts of other people living with bipolar disorder can help you understand the condition from their perspective.

Bipolar mania

To outsiders looking in, bipolar mania comes in many forms. During these emotional highs, your friend or relative may become full of energy and overly excited about life. Mania can be mild, moderate, or severe, so you may not always link their happiness and elation with a mood disorder. Sometimes, all you see is a fun, optimistic, and upbeat person — the life of the party. But other times, you may notice erratic behaviors with their joyful mood.

Bipolar depression

Mania isn’t the only symptom of bipolar disorder. People living with this disorder also have periods of depression and alternate between extreme highs and extreme lows. You may be all too familiar with these extremes and unpredictable moods.

Your relative could be laughing and having a great time one day. And then the next day, they disconnect from the family and isolate themselves for no apparent reason. They may have little to say, become easily irritated, or lose motivation, which can be a difficult time for everyone. Your relative may also simply revert to a normal amount of energy without symptoms of depression. They can remain like this until the next manic episode occurs.

Takeaway

Bipolar disorder is a real disease that can have a huge impact on friends and loved ones. Treatment may help control symptoms. These include mood stabilizers, and for some people, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, exercise, and nutrition. Some people also benefit from counseling and support groups.

A “Not” Day Off

I’m laying here getting overwhelmed with the task I need to get started on. My son is with my mother-in-law for the day. Normal duties a housewife typically attends too. Laundry, mine, his and toddlers. Clean two bathrooms, kitchen and living room, two bedrooms. So, to me this is a period of high stress. When I’m experiencing stress, I’m more likely to become depressed, manic/hypomanic, anxious, or angry. Uggh! Just writing about this has me depressed already.

Battle of the Mind

I want to say, “I love you.”

I want to feel your warm embrace

And though I crave it today

Something inside me feels out of place

My mind races with unpredictable thoughts

My body tired and extremely weak

My thoughts entering like the speed of light

My eyes not willing to let me sleep

I’m heart broken in this moment

I’m stranded in a moment of despair

I’m struggling to reach sanity

I’m feeling as though no one cares

I’m in a season of great multitude

I feel I can handle it all

I’m invincible in this hour

I will not stumble if I fall

I’m catastrophizing every thought

I’m weak and struck by fear

I can barely hold my head up high

My hands tremble from those that are near

I’m struggling for reprieve today

I want my soul to be still and know

This is out of all attempts to control

It’s my season, a moment, a mixed episode.

T.R.B.R.S

Not at Square One

Do you ever go through big episodes of picking up a million healthy routines and shortly after you stop them you feel like crap? “fall down 7 times get up 8” but I always thought “oh here we go again now I gotta start completely over”

BUT I get it now because I’ve realized every time I go hard in a new routine and “fail” I don’t completely fail and start back at square one.

Ok, for example. I always start the same routine when I get an up manic mode. I exercise, shower frequently, read devotionals, maybe poetry etc etc etc. BUT I’ve kept some of these positive habits each time!

I still write poetry. I still read devotionals. I still journal everyday. And I do these even when I’m in a negative manic. Just because I started one of those “IM GONNA KICK A$$” episodes. I probably lost all the other things I tried to do but I kept one!

I wouldn’t have ever made these everyday habits if it wasn’t for episodes. Yeah I don’t exercise every day and yeah I don’t go to sleep on time every night… but maybe the next time I try I’ll keep that habit!

Always embrace those “I’m gonna go real hard” moments because you don’t start back at square one every time you stop.